Viva la Cynic

Sometimes to realize your self potency in terms of being there for someone, all you need is a minute. I had one such minute this morning. You can travel so much and bargain so much for someone… But they might just not do the same for you. Life can be terribly unfair.

Time and time again, I have taught myself that I don’t give up. I will always be there for that person, I care about the person and I need that person to be happy. But today I ran out of that pool of tolerance. For the first time I gave up. I normally never give up. But when I do give up people, I just stop… and actually give up. I give up. I cannot win everyone. In particular, I cannot win everybody I love.

And this shows something very important to me. Not everyone we love is reliable. Thinking back, most of the times, the person I never gave any “big attention” to is the actual reliable one. In a minute… My life changed.

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In many fields, like engineering and many corporate business establishments, the higher-up management is always men. Grey haired, wrinkled, knowledgeable men. Even if we find women somewhere there, they are young career oriented women, who eventually will most probably drop out of that managerial role as the hair turns grey. We are still the tomatoes in the salad where the men are the lettuce.

I fail to understand why this is so… Is it because of women’s reluctance to stay in the race due to other obligations or is it the men’s reluctance to see women as an equal power? Whatever be the case, I believe women have to climb up the ladder and contribute their best in those positions too. Because I believe for centuries women have demonstrated amazing skills in management of families and bringing kids into line. If that skill set can be brought into the corporate world, it could give some better organization and direction to such fields.

We need to be the equal and opposite force  that Newton was talking about to men…

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It was exactly 2 years ago. Life had been pretty tough, I was still finding my way and I had absolutely no clue how things would turn out in my life. I took each day as it came and proceeded to end that day as positive as I could. I looked forward to each night when I could just lay in my bed and feel the abyss come by me and sleep conquered my senses. I obsessed over some things but failed to see the beauty around me. Exactly 2 years ago was the time when I started realizing that there was more to life.

Its been 2 years… I want to say ‘long’ years, but the truth is they don’t seem long. If I close my eyes, I can still feel the things I used to feel and think the thoughts I used to think. But I am different now. Before I left my high school, my friends, teachers and the school itself was the point around which my world revolved. My mother used to tell me that there is a world beyond it. But I never believed her. And then the university. I was no better.

Today, I know where I live, what I do and what I think is not all. There is more in life. There is more to life. I have the power to craft my life the way I want it to be. How beautiful I imagined it to be. Nothing will ever be perfect. My life will never have the perfection I craved. But I know the streams will still sparkle and the birds will still sing. Saying “No time to stand and stare” is just an excuse. Every moment should be treasured and explored, because they will never come back.

Time is the host of the amazing party of life. Time provides us with the luxury of moving on, no matter what. So why not dance to the tune while you are at the party and enjoy the salsa?

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Dusting off my pens, notebook and my brain. Back to the writing station.

I believe as human kind moves forward at lightning speed, the morale of the same species travels down at an exponential rate. I came to witness a startling incident recently. How far a guy would go to avoid his ex? I know some people who duck behind the steering wheels, jump into a water fountain in a mall (Yes! I have ACTUALLY seen a guy do this), turn and run in the opposite direction, duck behind a table in a cafe and so on. But this guy decides to cut his best friend off. They were so close like brothers. And the ex is friends with the other guy’s fiance. But one fine morning he decides that he would rather cut his best friend off than see his ex at the best friend’s wedding. Days of being nice, tolerant and considerate are long gone.

I have read good friends are hard to come by and when they do come by, you got to hold on to them tight and never let go. But now apparently friendships also don’t stand a chance against self-gratification anymore

Whether it was of his own accord or an effort to satisfy his new girl friend’s whims, all I can do is feel sad for the human kind’s deteriorating morale. At this rate Isaac Asimov’s inter-galactic war is not far off at all.

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Life is full of surprises. I have never been to a place where the major speaking language hasn’t been English. But here I am packing for a week long trip to Montreal, where French is the major spoken language. I have never been to Europe. I have heard Montreal has a European feel to it. So here I am getting ready to see Europe through Montreal’s eyes. I will post all my observations.

So until then, toodles!

Or should I say Au revoir!

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I moved from a dark basement to a bright apartment. But for the first two weeks after the move were not very bright in my life. There was no shortage of lights flooding in from the window, but we did not have internet. Being broke and a fan of sitcoms warrants me depending solely on the internet for my entertainment. So I could not watch sitcoms, check mail, check facebook, get news, listen to the radio nor watch movies. I had to keep myself entertained with the limited collection of 200 movies my husband has. It was a nightmare. I was forced to stare at the hands of a clock so I could be sure time was moving on.

Thats when I realized something. Cave-man worshipped the sun, the storm, the moon and so on. He did that because he realized those to be the strongest elements around him that had a firm grip on the ways of his life. If cave-man lived today, I strongly believe he would worship the internet. Because today, most of our lives are molded by internet. Without internet, most of our laptops go into hibernation. Without internet, we feel paralyzed. So ‘Long live King Internet!’

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Sometimes, in life, a recovery from a major accident can give you a new lease on life. Or for some people, a recovery from a disease can give new hopes. And yet for some other people, coming out of an infidelity gives a new hope in life. I have read and processed so much information on how affairs happen. But I never really thought about what happens after an affair. How do people in the relationship and around the relationship cope up? I decided to look back and draw from my experiences and my friends’ experiences. The thoughts follow.

Obviously, once a breach in the trust occurs, there is a fork in the way ahead. Do you leave the realtionship and call it good, or do you stay? is the only remaining question. People who love their partners beyond understanding, stay and try to fix whatever of the broken pieces of the relationship is fixable. And others who cant look beyong the infidelity go looking for appropriate attorneys and alcohols. I have seen people take both these paths. When a “normal” relationship conceives an affair, it is primarily because there was something unhealthy there. Meaning, those two people in love, had lost themselves or each other and couldn’t find what they had lost within themselves. So when this “breach” occurs, the gauging meter on health of the relationship falls from ‘unhealthy’ to ‘Right out of the drain’.

As for the couple themselves, when they decide to stay, the bond that phoenixes out of this broken relationship can be surprisingly stronger than the one that ever existed between the couple. There would blossom a need for deep understanding of each others thinking to avoid a neccessity for any extra marital help. This need would give rise to “wanting to know the other person” just the way he or she is. This is more of a curiosity than a want. You become curious as to what all runs in that person’s head and you put in more efforts in figuring out how that person’s brain works. In the midst of all this thinking and understanding, you forget to pretend to be someone he/she likes and just stay yourself. And the result is both the parties rejuvenate an affinity for their true selves.

As time goes by, you cross milestones of questions such as “Its been a month since I thought about the affair”, “I never knew he/she could play chess!”, “Does he/she really know so much about Honda?”. Meaning you really get to know that person inside out. Slowly, the bond blossoms into a much stronger one than the one there was. Yet you never really stop thinking about the pain of the affair forever. You do think about it. But slowly the thought of losing that special person pains you more. A phoenix, it is. And a more beautiful one at that.

As for the people around them and even “the other woman” and “the other man”, I am yet to figure out.

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Summer can be an enticing time. White short skirts, colorful summer dresses, brightly colored flipflops, damp hair, dark glasses and pool towels. Men find summer to be the most entertaining time of the year. And we are not talking about hollywood movie releases. I saw a trailer to this season yesterday, in a very unlikely spot.

We had been to a famous chain restaurant in Canada. There we saw a waitress who was dressed according to the restaurant’s dress code, in black and black. But the funny part was how deep her neck plunged. Restaurants ought to have a rule as to how far a top can plunge. So this waitress, welcomed us very warmly and I don’t remember if she smiled at us or not, because my eyes were nowhere on her face. And then when she came to give us our drinks, Oh sweet Jesus, I could see everything. If it were 11 pm on a saturday night, I’d understand, it would be for tips. But this was a wednesday 7.15 pm. A family dinner time. I would never want my kids to see anything as controversial as what I saw or I would never want my kids to dress as controversial as what I saw.

Looks to me like women are more likely to take their clothes off now-a-days, at odd times of the year for odd reasons. Sometimes, for no reason at all. I wonder if this is what it is, that men go drooling after. And what starts an “unintentional” affair or the “just for fun” affairs and then leading up to $2 million divorces. Once again, I rest my case in saying women are women’s worst enemies. Men are just weapons. But of course there are mean men too. But that topic is reserved for another entry, another day.

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Its been a while since I penned my thoughts here. I noticed something very simple yet interesting. So I decided to document my thoughts. Its about the barter system that is becoming very prevalent in the society in response to the recession. For example, my husband asked the waitress at a famous breakfast place in Canada “I don’t want any bacon or sausage, but could you give me an extra egg?” The waitress agreed. I know I have a friend who always trades her coleslaw for more fries. And surprisingly, a colleague said she did not want a free B’day lunch from us, but more time in a particular microscope instead. And even more surprisingly, another friend of mine wants to trade in guys for control over her life. I am completely blown away by seeing these barter exchanges and what people motivates people for making these choices.

Simple exchanges with food could just point to preferences and religious beliefs. But more sophisticated choices could mean an indication of deeper ideologies. Like my colleague who wanted her B’day lunch money, an approximate $20 value, put towards more microscope time. That shows how desperate people are for more funding in the research area during troubled times. Because a student never turns away from free lunch. But looks like students are ready to sell free pizza slices they get for more money for their research. Also my friend wanted to earn her degree so badly and start earning something because the meager student salary was getting her nowhere.

Another interesting barter system. One of my friend’s brother started college and left home. His girl friend of 2 years, a year younger to him offered a barter exchange to him. When he expressed his affection for her and that he would miss her at college, she offered to keep seeing him every time he comes home and  see other guys when he is not around. And guess what, this is happening in India. When questioned by my angry friend as to how she can say such an inconsiderate remark to her brother, the young girl smilingly told my friend “I want to see what my choices are… I can’t live like my mother or your mother did… I want to explore guys from everywhere… My newest guy is from Gujarat… Tell me how many guys from how many different states have you explored?” My friend who has had one guy since 2006 and going steady felt abashed and vowed never to talk to her.

Another interesting barter system a guy offered his parents when they caught him having an affair with 2 girls at the same time. He said he would stop this if they allowed him to go abroad for higher studies because he was bored with his job at the office and wanted entertainment and hence the girls. In my opinion, that was a lousy exchange. Because, once he gets away from home, he could do anything he wants there isn’t anyone to check on him.

I believe we see more and more barter system because as the money becomes lesser, we feel the need to enjoy what we like more, and also as the money goes lesser, to enjoy what we like, we as humans, stoop to lower standards. Meaning, morals degrade. So, the relationship I am driving through this entry is Amount of resources in a society is directly proportional to integrity of morality and inversely proportional to the determination to enjoy stuff that we like.

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Due to some problems that I wont recount, I moved away from another country to the great white nation. And by white, I mean snow filled. In search of a better and brighter future. Opportunities seemed to be knocking every door left and right. I was excited and eager to embark on a journey that I planned will be called “Being a success”. But little did I know that the people around me were waiting for me to be completely pulled into the black hole.

People started pushing down on me… slowly but steadily… and now even the country doesn’t seem to care. Opportunities seem to pass right by our door and not mind us. Its like I am invisible to lady luck. I have held on for so long. My life has never been a bed of roses. I have never been an important person to a lot of people… Even among relatives and friends, I have been in tier 2 all my life. It has never bothered me. But now it all comes to me and I feel pain. Tears stain my face everyday, but to no avail. Its like Lady luck has forgotten where I live.

My dad lost his dad when he was 13 years old. He used to tell me that even when he was surrounded by his people, he would always be aware of the fact that he was an orphan. And he used to tell me that I should always count on myself and only myself. But shouldn’t my turn come along? I cant elude asking the question is this my fate? Wont my dreams come true? I am witnessing some of my dreams slowly die… but I don’t want to let go…

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